Being Gay in Indianapolis, Indiana

Well, I said I'd do it, and here it is: a follow up to my second most popular entry to date. When I was in Colombia, I lamented how Colombian gay culture lacked the welcoming vibe I found in Spanish and US gay culture and how it had been Stockholm syndromed by straight culture. And here you definitely do find both of those things here, though their manifestations are different. Some places are more welcoming than others, of course. Greg's being the first to come to mind and Tini's being the last, because that place is bougey as hell... But coming into gay culture in New York City has left me eternally spoiled by what I expect from gay and queer culture, and Indianapolis is no exception. While the welcoming vibe almost certainly has to do with it being a smaller city, that also presents problems as well.

I know, I know. Keep it in mind as you read.

The first and most striking difference I notice is how a lot of people are obsessed, to a greater or lesser extent, with looking like a whore or not looking like one or they can't decide which they want to be. So many sexual stories I'm told, especially by people who I may not know well, start with a disclaimer: "I'm not a whore, but..." I don't care if you're a whore. Sleep with everyone. Sleep with no one. Whatever. Why is this even an issue? Why are we making this a thing? We're humans. We fuck. We're gay men. We fuck double because we don't have to worry about pregnancy and until recently marriage wasn't really in the cards. In New York, by and large, this is something we pay little attention to. Everyone kind of manages their sexual life in whatever way they want to without much of a hang up one way or another. Much like how you can throw into a casual conversation you smoke marijuana and take for granted the listener either smokes too or doesn't really care what you do with your own lungs. Here, however, the judgement level is high. Pun intended. Better not mention you manage your health responsibly and take PrEP, regardless of how many sexual partners you plan to have, or it's the scarlet letter for you.

As in I am awesome at not letting my Puritanical upbringing shame me
into making bad health choices.

This is a product of two things: a smaller gay community (to where, unlike New York or Madrid, you can actually call it a community) and mainstreaming. The latter is something that gay culture has been verging toward ever since marriage equality became the major political push. I think in a public sense, mainstreaming is good. It's unrealistic to expect straight people to really get us, despite the opposite being possible. They surround us. You either get it or you just get the world. It is not, however, reciprocal. Mainstreaming in shared and public spaces allows us to find common ground, but the problem is when it infiltrates gay spaces and becomes an end rather than a means to an end. There are things about gay culture that deserve and need to be preserved. It pushes the envelope; it shows that gender binaries and roles in relationships are arbitrary; it shows us alternatives to marrying your high school sweetheart and reproducing copiously: You can get married and have an open relationship. You can not get married and have a closed relationship your whole life. You can have a relationship between three people. You can do whatever works for you, which has been the amazing thing about gay, and especially queer, culture. But what's happening isn't this wonderful melange, but rather, assimilation. Gay life, for many, is becoming extremely suburban, and if that's what you really want, I'm not going to stop you. Part of this whole post-modern queer utopia I'm dreaming up is trying to let everyone do their own thing, but I think that a lot of those people are just looking at their straight counterparts and painting by numbers rather than forging their own identities and exploring who they are with the freedom they've been given. Being gay is no cakewalk just about anywhere in the world, but if that's the cards you've been dealt, play them the best way you can, which is not going to be the same way as your straight neighbor with their full house. See I made another pun. (That one was about babies.)

Stephanie Tanner!
What did I just say about shame and sexuality?

Last but not least, misogyny takes a whole new form here. I'm not going to pretend that misogyny isn't a problem in gay male culture everywhere (also, sometimes, a result of mainstreaming), but there's something that makes it a bit different here. I've noticed big, loud reactions of disgust from a lot of guys whenever anything female and sexual is mentioned: vaginas, periods, sex with women, whatever. Women, while not my preferred gender, are still beautiful; their bodies are beautiful; and there is nothing inherently displeasing about them. I'm willing to admit that maybe if you're a full-tilt six on the Kinsey scale that you don't really find a naked woman's body appetizing, but I think you can save the deliberately loud and deliberately public declarations of your disgust especially when you're in the company of women. One of the reasons I'll admit that the New York gay scene is more misogynistic toward women is that you don't see nearly as women (whether they be gay or not) in male gay bars (despite, I am told, their not having many of their own). Here, it's not completely uncommon to see women in a gay bar. So, can we all make a little agreement? If a woman is in a gay bar and she's totally acting chill and being cool, could you not go on a rant about how you find her body or parts of it disgusting? I talked last entry about straight people being good guests in gay spaces, but that goes both ways. We need to be good hosts.

That's about the long and the short of it, my friends. Oh, and stop reading gayguys.com. That site is the worst.